Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so
don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming,
I’ve made a few small changes:
* Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade,
paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was
decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired
welcoming effect.
* Once inside, our guests will note that the entry
hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn
and fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the
decorating by having them track in colorful autumn
leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
* The dining table will not be covered with expensive
linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible,
we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a
fork. Since this IS thanksgiving, we will refrain from
using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
from last Christmas.
* Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh
fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will
be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted
from the finest construction paper. The artist assures
me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late.
The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m
sure they will be happy to share every choice comment
I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey
hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey
was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
* As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will
play a recording of
tribal drumming. If the children should mention that
I don’t own a recording
of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
suspiciously like a
frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They
are lying.
* We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver
bell to announce the
start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our
traditional method.
When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around
the table and sit where
you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the
children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
* Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one
person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This
will not be happening at
our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be
carved in a private
ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under
any circumstances, enter
the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small,
unsuspecting children to
check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The
turkey is unarmed. It
stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I
do, we will eat.
* I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
young diners that
“passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is
it a request to bean your
brother in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and
one reminder for the
adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
while in the presence
of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy
by its lesser-known name:Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you
regarding the origins or type
of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
* Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead
of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will
be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped
cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it
or leave it.